Wife upset as husband is short tempered

Wife upset as husband is short tempered
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.  (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

I feel almost embarassed to say this, however, I am in a constant fight from within myself. I have been married for 30+ years and my husband wants to deal with everything how he sees fit. I have to admit that he is right 9 times out of 10. The most current issues are issues that re occur from time to time - our children and how they are growing and maturing. Alhumdillah, we are very blessed, but what we see is not what we instilled. My husband wants me to keep my mouth shut while he handles things. I realize this is not about me, but about how to re direct our children when society or shaitan starts to corrupt their minds, but I am the venting point of the problem. I get yelled at and ignored for stating anything. It hurts me and I cry quite often alone. I am at wits end trying to live alone, when my family is very much alive. I keep asking myself if Allah is testing my patience, or if I`m just an iddiot to have stayed this long.

(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)


In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad(saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chatper 4 Surah Nisaa verse 34:
34      Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has given the one more than the other and because they support them from their means.  Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to her husband) and guards in (her husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard (their chastity, their honor, their husbands property, etc.)

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah verse 228: Wives have the same rights as the husbands have on them in accordance with the generally known principles. And men are a degree above them; and above all is Allah, the All Mighty, All Wise.

In Islam, each family can be considered a small State, and Allah has appointed the man as the leader of the state,because of certain natural qualities and because they provide for the family from their means. But having been given the position of a leader in Islam does not mean that the man becomes an arrogant and oppressive dictator like the leaders of the world! In Islam, when one is made a leader, his duty is to fear Allah, and serve, protect and maintain harmony in his state, by being a just, benevolent, and a loving servant-leader.

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 30 Surah Rum verse 21: And of Allahs Sign is that He has created for you wives from your own species, so that you may find peace with them, and (Allah has) created love and mercy between you. Surely in this there are many Signs for those who reflect.

Allah himself says that he has created the relationship of husband and wife, so that we may find peace and tranquility in this relationship. And Allah has put love and mercy between the spouses, in this sacred relationship of marriage. But this love, respect, harmony, peace and tranquility can only be experienced if both the husband and wife fear and obey Allah Subhanah, and give all the rights that are due to their spouses.

Now to answer your specific question:
Only if the wife knew the rewards the Merciful Lord has prepared for her in Paradise, if she strives to please her husband; she would never do anything to annoy or anger her husband.

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3256 Narrated by Umm Salamah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "Any woman who dies when her husband is pleased with her will enter paradise."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3258 Narrated by Mu'adh ibn Jabal
The Prophet (saws) said that no woman annoyed her husband in this world without his wife among the large-eyed maidens of Paradise saying, "You must not annoy him. Allah curse you! He is only a passing guest with you, and is about to leave you to come to us."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3272 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
When Allah's Messenger (saws) was asked which woman was best, he (saws) replied, "The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not go against his wishes regarding her person or property by doing anything of which he disapproves."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3255 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "If I were to order anyone to prostrate himself before another, I should order a woman to prostrate herself before her husband."

My dear beloved sister, do not do or say anything which you know would instigate or upset your husband. In the case that you have described It would be righteous and behoving of a believer if you keep patience, and control yourself of saying something that would instigate your husband to become angry and annoyed.

My dear Beloved Sister in Islam, if your husband is short tempered and hard hearted and he does not allow you to say your bit in the admonition of your children, there is definitely nothing wrong with you. If your marriage has lasted 30+ years and you have been blessed with children and a good family and now you feel that your opinion or suggestions are not being taken you should not worry too much and bear these things with patience and do what pleases your husband.

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 3 Surah Ale-Imraan verse 200:
200 O ye who believe! Practice sabr (persevere in patience and constancy): vie in such sabr (perseverance); strengthen each other; and fear Allah; that ye may prosper.

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 11 Surah Hud verses 9-11:
9 If We give man a taste of Mercy from Ourselves and then withdraw it from him, behold! He is in despair and (falls into) blasphemy.
10 But if We give him a taste of (Our) favors after adversity hath touched him, He is sure to say "All evil has departed from me!"; behold! He falls into exultation and pride.
11 Not so do those who show sabr (patience and constancy), and work righteousness; for them is forgiveness (of sins) and a great reward.

You have successfully done your job in rearing your children for the past thirty years, and now that they have become adults they will feel that you are old fashioned and that they know what is best for them. You will have to learn to let go. It is very difficult for a loving mother to let go and because of your loving nature to offer to help even when not asked for, most times it does create a loss of empathy on the part of the husband and children.

You might think that the children listen to their father and when you try to give your input, your husband tends to yell etc., making you feel unwanted and embarrassed in front of your children. Again, this is very normal in most houses, as the children will listen to their father because he is the bread winner and the children do not want to be deprived of his beneficence.

You have mentioned that your husband is right 9 times out of 10. We feel that you should practice patience and instead of interfering in the actual discussion you should show full support to your husband's stance if it is as per the Shariah laws. In time InshaAllah your husband will appreciate your support and maybe take your opinions now and then.

It is reported that the Messenger of Allah (saws) said in an authentic narration: The whole world is a provision (from Allah), and the best of the provisions is a righteous wife.

In the meantime we suggest you study the meaning of the Quran and the a'Hadiths and bring yourself in par with the knowledge of the Holy Book. Soon you will see the difference in the way your family and others treat you because once you attain the knowledge of the Quran you will have all the weapons to avoid all sort of embarrassments etc.. You will also not get depressed and learn patience. Have you ever seen a scholar being scorned?

So my dear beloved sister, take a break and leave your family to handle their problems for a while. In the meantime arm yourself with the knowledge of the Quran and the traditions of the Holy Prophet saws and InshaAllah soon your family and others will seek your advice with humility. Keep your faith in Allah swt with patience and perseverance and make duaa to Him to grant you ilm.

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 103 Surah Al-Asr verses 1-3:
1        By (the token of) time.
2        Verily (all of) mankind is in (severe) loss!
3        Except such as have faith and do righteous deeds; and (join together) in the mutual teaching of Truth and of sabr (patience and constancy).

Beloved Sister, we reiterate again, to keep your sacred bond of marriage.Islam does not give you the right to usurp the lawful rights that are due unto him.  You, as a pious and righteous believer should fear Allah your Lord, and make sure that every single right that is due unto your husband in marriage is accorded to him in full.  

If you can bring yourself to do that, Allah is our witness sister, not only will you get the full retribution of all the injustice and oppression done towards you by your husband in the Presence of your Lord Most Supreme, but your Lord Most Gracious will reward you abundantly for your obedience to His Laws and your patience in the Hereafter.     

If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws),   one can be assured of never ever being misled;   but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of being led astray. 

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allahs Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is only ones.Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

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